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Dear “Real” Christian Man,

As the one year death anniversary of Tom Petty has just passed, I was reminded of an interview I read with Tom Petty in a music magazine.  The interviewer asked Tom what seemed to be a nearly impossible question to answer. “Which song you’ve written to you is the most meaningful?”  HUH??? How can a songwriter that has written hundreds of songs possibly answer this question? From the party anthem of “American Girl”, the humourous “Into the Great Wide Open”, the rebellious nature of “I Won’t Back Down”, to the haunting “Don’t Come Around Here No More.”  How do you pick just one? Tom’s response to this question was the less popular song “Face In the Crowd.” He said that at the time he wrote that song, it fit perfectly into the place he was at that point in his life. That song has always been one of my favorites, but I was surprised by his choice.

About a year and a half ago, Tom Petty was playing in my town.  At that point in my life, I had pretty much seen every band I ever wanted to see live.  But I’d never seen Tom and I really wanted too. I remember watching Tom and the Heartbreakers Super Bowl performance and thinking, “Wow….that’s just pure talent.”  No bells and whistles. No crazy dancers running around. No pyrotechnics. Just a bunch of great musicians doing what they do best. The tickets for the show in my town were very expensive.  Not completely crazy, but a little much for my budget. As much as I wanted to go, I decided I just couldn’t afford it and I’d catch Tom the next time he came to town.

Well, no I won’t.  Sadly, Tom died a few months later.  Myself, and the rest of the world, would never again have the chance to see this incredibly talented performer ever again.  I regretted no spending the money to have that experience. When this happened, I was reminded of a a time when a very similar thing happened.

Back in the 90’s, a very good friend of mine invited me to go see Stevie Ray Vaughan.  This same friend and I had seen Stevie together a few years earlier and it was one of the best times ever.  The show was about an hour or so from where we lived. I was in my late teens, my friend in his early twenties.  We drank “road sodas” all the way to the show, laughed, smoked, played music and just had a blast. Then we were treated to an amazing show.  I’ve been fortunate to have seen many of the best guitar players that have ever played rock music. From Van Halen, to Yngwie, to George Lynch, Tony Iommi, etc, etc.  But I’ve never seen anyone, and I mean anyone, play a guitar like Stevie Ray Vaughan. Mind Blowing doesn’t come close. It was like the guitar was a part of his body.  His playing looked effortless – like he wasn’t even trying. His sound blew your hair back and his groove was just infectious. Amazing doesn’t say enough.

So when this friend invited me to go see Stevie again, as much as I wanted too and similar to the Tom Petty excuse, I didn’t have the extra funds to make it to the show.  That being said, I decided not to go and told myself, I’ll catch him next time. Well, no I wouldn’t. Not long after the show Stevie played in my town, he was killed in a tragic plane crash.  Stevie was no longer with us. As sad as this was, even worse for me personally my friend that invited me to the show also died. For the sake of saving a few dollars, I missed out on having one last great time with my good friend and seeing this legendary guitar player one more time.  

So where do we draw the line between spending a few extra bucks, saving for our future, or living like you only go around once and you can’t take it with you? I can tell you, as I get older, I am more inclined to go with “you only live once” mindset.  As I think back on the things I’ve missed out on in life because I wanted to save a few bucks…well, it bothers me. There’s trip I could have gone on, concerts, dinners, and a host of other things that I didn’t do because I was more concerned with saving for my future.  Well that future is now my present and I’m no better off!

I’m not saying we should live with reckless abandon with no thought of the future at all, but I am going to be taking the advice of Joyce Meyer a lot more to heart when she says, “eat the cookie, buy the shoes!”  In other words, go the the concert, take the trip, have the dinner – no regrets!

Dear “Real” Christian Man,

I’ve been a real turd lately.  A miserable, whiny, complaining, killjoy, Class A turd!  I’ve had some real rough patches over the last few years.  A marriage ended, another relationship ended, work life is incredibly stressful and I so often feel like this is not the life I planned for myself.  And therein lies a large part of the problem. As I’ve reflected on my last 50 years of life, I planned hardly any of it. I’ve lived my life by default, instead of by design.  I reacted instead of being proactive. So for a person like me, it’s hard to look in the mirror and say, “this is on you.” But the truth is…..it is on me. And it’s also on me to fix it and do my best to move the ball forward in the years I have left.  

It took a real “smack” in the face from a true friend to snap me out of this dark hole of gloom and decide to put my nose to the grind and get shit done.  The smack came over coffee recently. I’ve been doing my share of complaining, grumbly, etc to a few close friends over the last few years. Most were very accomodating, understanding, and sympathetic to my situation.  I did receive some very good counsel and always a helping hand if needed, but I never got the push I needed.

I recently reconnected with a friend I haven’t seen for awhile.  I saw this as a new opportunity to bitch and moan I guess to a new person who hadn’t heard all my crap already.  So we got together for coffee and I described to him the issues in my life, the injustices I felt had been placed upon me, the “poor” me nonsense.  After a few minutes of this, my friend said to me sternly, “oh well…suck it up buttercup!” I was a bit taken aback. This was not the usual thing I was used to hearing.  This friend then proceeded to lay out all the good things I do have in my life, how awful others do have it, people who experience real injustices, and how I should be grateful and consider myself blessed for being exactly where I am.

He then encouraged me in a number of different ways to get back on the horse and throw myself back into the game of life again.  I was viewing my life from the sidelines. Actually worse than that. I was like a player on the football field who just stands there and gets run over.  That’s not me and it’s not my nature, but I had allowed my circumstances to change who I am and then bought into the lie. I was dead meat. Once you start to believe the lie, the game truly is over.

So there it was.  One incredibly powerful expression that I’d heard many times before, and possibly used before, turned around and used back on me.  And it was exactly what I needed to hear.

I’m still in the process of undoing a lot of crap.  You can’t fix years of crap overnight, but now I have a plan and I am moving the ball forward.  I don’t always know what the next right thing is to do, but I almost always know what the next wrong thing is that I shouldn’t do. My friend also told me if I’m not sure what to do when I have a decision to make, as long as the choice involves living in God’s will, do it.  I agree. So, suck it up!!

Dear “Real” Christian Man,

I was driving today down a stretch of road near my home where the speed limit has recently been lowered, and many motorists are not keen on the new, lower speed. In fact, the speed drops twice in less than a mile, from 50 to 45, and then to 35, and the road on this stretch is single lane, so it is not uncommon to be tailgated if one is driving at the posted speed, as I was today. I stayed calm, but because the driver behind me was in a very well marked commercial truck, I thought I might call the company to lodge a complaint, or maybe even make a social media post to call out the tailgater. Much like Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride, I can sometimes have an overdeveloped sense of vengeance, and one day it indeed might get me into trouble. Fortunately, soon after the drop down to 35, the road widens out into two lanes, and my anxious neighbor to the rear was able to get into the passing lane and accelerate past me. Too bad for him the traffic signal ahead turned red, and he was forced to stop anyway. I rolled up to the light, somewhat smugly as I thought to myself “well, he didn’t get that far, now did he!” As my car came up alongside the truck, the driver tooted his horn. I looked over and he and his passenger were motioning me to roll down my window. My mind immediately assumed that they were going to offer some critique of my driving, and as my window lowered, I prepared myself for a good, old-fashioned road-rage throw down. I glared my best glare at them and waited for one of them to fire the first shot. The driver leaned forward directly into the path of my icy stare, and shouted out “Hey, your passenger-side brake-light is out; might want to get that fixed before you get pulled over”. Well, now, them didn’t sound like fighting’ words at all. Feeling a bit stupid, I thanked them, the light turned green, and off I went to the auto parts store to buy a bulb.

What is it about us humans that causes us to sometimes see the worst in people, causes use to focus on the bad in people instead of the good? My encounter left me asking that question, and I thought that maybe God was using this incident to teach me a lesson. I reasoned that it was not beneficial to look for the bad in people, to judge them before I had all the facts, so moving forward I would try to adjust my way of thinking and only seek what was good in people. Lesson learned, right? Certainly sounds like a noble idea, doesn’t it? But something just didn’t sit right with me, and then it clicked! Trying to see either the good or bad in people requires me to judge another’s motives, character or actions. If I see their good, then I am making a judgement about what is good, and the same holds true for bad. But I am not called to judge, only to love. Judgement is God’s job, not mine. So I asked God for wisdom on this matter, and He gave me this impression. Look not for the good or bad in people, but look instead for the need in people, because meeting the needs of others is what I have called you to do.

His word tells us to love others (John 13:34), to take care of widows and orphans (James 1:27), to put the needs of others before our own (Philippians 2:3-4) and even to love those who we consider our enemies (Matthew 5:43-47). Not always an easy choice, and often not the choice that first pops into our heads, but it is clearly what we are called to do, however imperfectly we execute on these mandates. Fortunately our good Father forgives us our shortcomings, and loves us despite our foibles, which demonstrates that He himself is doing exactly what He is asking us to do.

Regards,
FA, NJ

Dear “Real” Christian Man,

Dear “Real” Christian Man,

So I’m feeling really convicted today.  I hate when that happens. Especially when it involves me screwing up as a father.

My kids love Panera Bread.  I do too. On almost every weekend I have the kids with me, we have lunch either Saturday or Sunday at Panera.  It’s pretty good food and fairly inexpensive. I can usually get out of there spending about $30 for all four of us….at least until recently.  I don’t have many pet peeves in life (incompetence, double talking, arrogance, and victim mentality), but I have to tell you I HATE paying for soft drinks at restaurants.  Come on, $2.70 for a soda?! What’s the markup on that?! So yes, this aggravates me. So what I do is instead of paying for drinks for all four of us (which would add about $12 to our bill), I ask for (4) small cups for “water”.  That’s free. Then when I get the cups I tell the kids to get whatever they want. It’s not hurting anything right? Panera is a HUGE corporation. Surely a few free cups of soda will not kill their bottom line right? Or maybe there’s a bigger lesson to be learned here?  I was about to learn this lesson.

If you’ve been going to church for a significant amount of time, no doubt that at some point you’ve heard preachings on Ephesians 4.  This chapter of the Bible is truly where the rubber meets the road. I love all of the book of Ephesians and for me, Chapter 4 is something really special.  One particular Sunday, the Pastor at the church I’ve been attending was doing a message on Ephesians 4. Now at this church, my two younger children go to their Sunday school class and my older child sits with me in the regular service.  The message was based on Ephesians 4:28….don’t steal. Now I’ve heard preachings on this before and the usual example I’ve heard used is about the taking of company office supplies. It’s an easy mark as I’m sure most of us (including myself) are guilty of doing this.  I say this as I’m staring at one of the pens I’m sure I brought home from the office.

Truth is, I was kind of sitting there half listening with the “heard this, been there, done that” attitude going through my head.  It wasn’t that the message was boring or irrelevant, I guess my mind just wasn’t completely in the receiving mood this day. The service ended, I grabbed my little guys from Sunday school and off we went to the promised lunch at Panera.  We did the usual thing, ordered the food and I asked for the (4) cups for “water”. When we picked out our booth and were waiting for the food to come, I said to the kids, “ok, go get what you want.” It was then I heard my 8 year old son say, “we’re getting water because if we get soda that’s stealing.”  Then my older daughter said, “right, that is stealing.” I was caught completely off guard. I didn’t say anything. I just watched them go get water for themselves and for their little brother. The food came, we ate, and went home with me still not saying a word about this. I’m not sure if i was embarrassed, ashamed, or what.  I actually didn’t say anything until I saw the kids again on Wednesday. I didn’t mention I’m divorced and have my kids every other weekend and every Wednesday.

I thought about what happened on Monday and Tuesday and finally when I was with them on Wednesday I brought it up.  What I didn’t know is the teaching the kids have in Sunday school often follows what is being taught in the main service.  So my little one’s heard about the stealing too. I guess sometimes I forget how smart an 8 year old can be. I didn’t realize he would put together what he was taught that day to what his Dad had been doing with him at Panera for years.  I was stealing and I was teaching them to do the same. Harmless or not, it is wrong. And actually, it’s not harmless. I’ve been giving them the example that this is OK to do, so why not something else? And what exactly would I say someday if one of them got picked up for shoplifting?

I beat myself up a lot about this for a few days.  I hate when I mess up as a dad and I’m really good at messing up.  It’s the human in me I guess. There’s no instruction book for raising kids….actually there is, but most don’t look at the bible as parenting guide.  After this experience I’ll be looking for a lot more of the parental instructions I so desperately need.

After talking about it with my kids, I told them how proud I was of them for recognizing it was wrong and I apologized to them for making the mistake over and over and I asked they forgive me.  They did of course…I mean, to them I might as well be Superman and those are big shoes to fill. Those are shoes that I sometimes feel I am not worthy to be wearing at all. I have the most amazing kids and in them I begin to understand just how much God loves me.  Other than the work on the cross, He’s given me the best gift a man could ever ask for. And I miss them all the time.

This wasn’t my first mistake with them and I’m sure it won’t be my last.  I have yet to hear the “I hate you” come out of any of their mouths. I hope I never do.  By no means am I ready to stop sneaking candy or snacks into the movie theater, but I guess I should probably stop eating grapes at the grocery store!

Regards,
David, NJ

“Real” Christian Man,

It’s kind of old news now, but the story won’t seem to die so I’ll vent here on this forum like you say we can.  You did say we can talk about anything, so here goes.

Roseanne Barr is being torn down, labeled a racist, and having her career destroyed over a tweet. Granted, a thought that maybe she should have kept to herself instead of being  shared in a tweet, but nonetheless isn’t she entitled to her opinion? We do still have free speech in this country…or so I thought. Oh, right…only if it’s the type of speech that supports certain agendas currently running rampant in the cesspool that is America.  Check.

So Roseanne gets kicked off of ABC (which I refer to as the Ass Backwards Company) for her “racist” tweet.  within the same week Samantha Bee on her TBS (Total Bull Shit) show, Full Frontal, calls Ivanka Trump, the daughter of the President of the United States, the “c” word and tells her to wear a low cut dress and sit on her dad’s lap to influence his decision on immigration.  What??? And, no repercussions?? The media barely touched it. Unlike Roseanne’s fopa, which was a major headline story on at least 6 newscasts that I watched. The media seemed to be enjoying taking her apart piece by piece. Samantha Bee calls the president’s daughter a “c” and it’s all good.  Roseanne exercises her First Amendment rights and she’s fired. With that firing the other members of the cast, crew, writing staff, set designers, and the numerous other resources it takes to put on a major network TV show, find themselves jobless. Was that even taken into consideration when the decision was made to pull the show?  

Now I’m not defending what Roseanne said.  But I would defend her right to say it. Oh come on now…like we all haven’t had a racist thought at least once in our lives.  I’d have a really hard time believing a person if they told me they never had a less than flattering opinion about a black person, white person, yellow person, red person, man, woman, old person, young person or anyone else who was different than themselves.  Me…I’m not proud of it, but I’ve had several. Does that make me a racist? If so, guilty…along with the rest of society. I once had a black, female co-worker tell me she hated Asian people just because they were Asian and looked funny. When I told her how surprised I was that a black female would have such strong opinions about another race of people considering the discrimination that her own race faces, she said, “the Asians? They don’t matter.”  WOW!

I’m going to miss the Roseanne reboot.  I seriously will. I was skeptical when I heard it was coming back on the air after over 20 years and I was not a fan of the show during it’s original run. But for nostalgia’s sake I did tune in and watch.  And you know what? I laughed out loud several times. With all the crappy comedies on the air (seriously who thinks that stuff is good?) this show was a breath of fresh air! I continued to tune in every Tuesday to watch and I continued to laugh and truly enjoy a show that was so honest.  This show wasn’t about some squeaky clean family, that has money, good jobs, seemingly not much trouble in life, perfect kids, perfect marriages and completely out of touch with reality. No, this show got down and dirty and portrayed the way most of this country lives. Pay check to paycheck, lousy health insurance, lousy jobs, humble surroundings, and struggling to care for their families.  I can relate. I think that’s why I enjoyed the show so much. Yes, it was funny, but it was also so real. I felt the struggle the Connor family faced because I’ve lived it as well, as does most of this country. Hmmmmm…maybe the show was too real. Maybe showing real struggles and challenges didn’t fit into the image that Hollywood continues to force down our throats. Maybe the show glamorized the “deplorables” too much?  Maybe that’s why the ratings went through the roof. Any maybe the powers that be saw this and were just waiting for the chance to take the real American family off the air. Just maybe?

Confused,
JD
New Jersey